Beyond the Binary: Understanding the "Side" Identity in the Gay Community
For years, the landscape of gay male sexuality, at least as it was often presented, felt distinctly binary. When it came to sexual roles, the choices were largely framed as "top" or "bottom," with "versatile" serving as the chameleon, comfortable switching between the two. But what if there's a significant portion of the gay community whose desires and practices don't fit neatly into these established boxes? Enter the "side" - a term that's gaining traction, challenging old assumptions, and fostering a new wave of sexual exploration and acceptance.
What Exactly Does "Side" Mean?
At its core, a "side" is a man who identifies with same-sex relationships and intimacy but whose sexual preferences do not include anal penetration, either giving or receiving. This isn't about a lack of sexual interest or a fear of intimacy; rather, it's a preference for a wide array of other sexual activities. Think passionate kissing, intimate cuddling, oral sex, mutual masturbation, frottage (dry humping), and other forms of non-penetrative touch and pleasure. Some adherents even refer to these practices as "outercourse," highlighting the focus on external engagement and connection.
It's crucial to understand that this identity isn't about being "lesser" or "unfulfilled." Instead, it represents a distinct path to sexual satisfaction and connection within the broader gay community. As one source put it, "sides prefer less invasive sexual acts, although they like sexual exploration." This distinction is vital: it's about choice and preference, not deficiency.
The Rise of Visibility: From Private Groups to Public Platforms
The journey of the "side" identity from a niche understanding to broader recognition is a fascinating one. Dr. Joe Kort, a psychotherapist and sexologist, played a pivotal role in coining the term and providing a framework for understanding this preference. Recognizing that many men felt unrepresented, he established a private Facebook group, "Side Guys," about eighteen months prior to widespread awareness. What began as a small forum for acceptance has blossomed, with membership doubling in a matter of months to reach thousands, attracting individuals from across the globe.
The growth of this community has been significantly fueled by the power of social media. Dr. Kort himself has been instrumental, creating TikTok videos that have reached a vast audience, spreading awareness and fostering connection. Other individuals, like model Barrett Pall, have also leveraged platforms like TikTok to share their experiences and educate others. Even popular culture has embraced the concept; comedian Michael Henry's sympathetic and humorous mock-tutorial on "sides" garnered hundreds of thousands of YouTube views, showcasing the public's growing curiosity and acceptance.
This burgeoning visibility has extended to more established platforms as well. Wikipedia has added a definition of "side" to its entry on homosexuality, a significant step in formalizing and acknowledging the identity. The inclusion of "side" as an option on the popular gay dating app Grindr, a move credited in part to writer Bobby Box, marks a watershed moment. This integration provides a much-needed avenue for individuals to self-identify and connect with like-minded partners, finally offering a visible space for a significant portion of the community.
Challenging Heteronormative Constructs and Internalized Homophobia
The emergence of the "side" identity also presents an opportunity to critically examine societal norms surrounding sexuality, particularly the often-unspoken emphasis on penetrative sex. Dr. Kort posits that the idea of penetration as the ultimate standard for sexual fulfillment is a heteronormative construct - a societal expectation rooted in heterosexual norms. By embracing non-penetrative practices, the "side" identity challenges this ingrained view and asserts that gay men can define their own sexual fulfillment outside of these traditionally imposed frameworks.
Interestingly, some have initially interpreted the preference for non-penetrative sex as a sign of internalized homophobia. However, proponents like Dr. Kort argue the opposite. They see it as a reclamation of sexual expression, an act of defiance against a system that often equates masculinity and gayness with penetrative performance. By prioritizing pleasure and connection through a broader range of acts, "sides" are actively dismantling the phallicization of gay sexuality - the tendency to equate gay sex solely with the penis and penetration.
Why Does This Matter?
- Sexual Health and Well-being: For individuals who experience pain during penetrative sex or have erectile issues, "side" practices can be incredibly beneficial, making orgasm more accessible and enjoyable.
- Expanded Definitions of Intimacy: It broadens the understanding of what constitutes intimacy and sexual connection, moving beyond a singular focus on intercourse.
- Reduced Stigma: By bringing these preferences into the open, it helps reduce the stigma and misunderstanding that "sides" have historically faced, often being mistakenly labeled as immature, lazy, or asexual.
- Authentic Self-Expression: It allows individuals to be more authentic in their sexual lives and relationships, fostering healthier and more honest connections.
Addressing Misconceptions and Fostering Understanding
Despite growing awareness, misconceptions about the "side" identity persist. One common reaction is bewilderment, with questions like, "What are you doing with these men? Shaking hands?" This highlights a fundamental misunderstanding of the deep intimacy that can be found in non-penetrative acts. It's not about a lack of passion or desire, but a different expression of it.
Furthermore, the idea that "sides" are somehow less committed in relationships due to their sexual preferences is a significant oversimplification. While a study indicated that a smaller percentage of gay and bisexual men engage in penetrative sex during a particular encounter, it also revealed that three-quarters of them preferred kissing, oral sex, and non-penetrative acts. The study suggested that it's only when romantic relationship interests become a focal point that differing sexual preferences might become a point of contention, not the "side" identity itself.
The "side" identity is a testament to the evolving and diverse nature of human sexuality. It encourages a more nuanced and inclusive understanding of gay male experiences, moving beyond outdated binaries and celebrating the wide spectrum of pleasure, intimacy, and connection that exists within the community.
The Future of Sexual Exploration and Acceptance
The momentum behind the "side" identity suggests a broader cultural shift towards accepting and celebrating diverse sexual expressions. As more individuals feel empowered to identify authentically, and as platforms continue to adapt, the conversation around sexual preferences will undoubtedly become richer and more inclusive. The hope is that this growing visibility will foster greater understanding, reduce judgment, and ultimately lead to more fulfilling and authentic intimate experiences for everyone.
Indeed, the younger generation, increasingly challenging binary thinking across identity and sexuality, is a powerful force driving this change. By embracing the "side" identity, the gay community, and society at large, is taking a significant step towards recognizing that pleasure, intimacy, and love come in many forms. It's about celebrating the full spectrum of human desire and acknowledging that fulfillment is not a one-size-fits-all proposition.